Una Familia Con Suerte, Thursday March 8. If this is luck, I don’t want any.

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*Pancho’s boudoir. Mood: intimate and uncomfortable.*

Pancho: Since we’re novios, let’s be bed buddies.

Chela: Hold yer horsies, buckaroo. How can I hop in the sack with you when I still feel guilty about my teenybopper crush on you that neither you nor my sister would have paid any mind to had you known about it, because who cares? But how did you not ditch Laurita for me, with my alluring clown makeup and saloon girl getup at your wedding? Let me blather on about my soul awhile.

Pancho’s face: This is boring.

*Casa Rebe. Mood: slimy.*

Rebe: You know I’m just snoozling you for spite, right? But qué the hey, I’ll drink the orange Kool-Aid.

IckyMicky: Works for me, bebeh.

*Upscale restaurant. Mood: not as romantic as Lidia would prefer.*

Lidia: DROOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL. ¡Eres lo máximo!

Enzo: Stop; you’re making me blush. Tell me about yourself.

Lidia: Blah blah Mike Mike Mike blah Rebeca blah Mike Mike Mike. Also, Graciela. But how ‘bout you and me?

{Anyone else find it telling that when she is asked about herself, she talks about IckyMicky?}

Enzo: You think we have a lot in common?


*Another upscale restaurant. Mood: Fakey nicey.*

Inez: My near-death experienced changed me! Now I am not a bitter shrewish hag! Let’s forget the past and be besties!

Fernanda: Sure, sweetie, sure.

Inez: Also, I want to go eat, pray, love in Italy. Only you can run my business for me!

Fernanda: Actually, Pancho does all that these days.

Inez: Bwahahahaha! While she is in the loo, I will wave this bottle of poison all over and rant about killing her, then spike her drink!

Octavio: HEY THERE, Inez old bean! How nice of you to supply the condiments! Say, I hear the nosh in prison is to die for!

Inez: Drat.

*Enzo’s automobile, in front of Lidia’s hotel. Mood: Still not as romantic as Lidia would like, although the music is on her side.*

Lidia: Graaaaaciaaaassss. {Flutter, flutter, suggestive slow peck.}

Enzo: Eh.


Police: You’re under arrest, Inez de la Borbolla!

Inez: Don’t you know who I am?

Police: Duh, I just said your name.

Fernanda: Why, Inez, why?

Inez: My husband’s feelings for you are your fault! I’ll get you, my pretty!

Fernanda: Octavio, mi amor! You saved my life!

*Next morning, café. Mood: shock.*

Orangatan: Look at the paper! Inez arrested!

Rebe: Gasp!

*Casa CandyBarbie, sin Candy. Mood: bleak.*

Concepción: Is there any news about Candy?

Vins: She called her brother and said she’s fine.

*Rustic dungeon cave. Mood: antagonistic.*

Deb: Here, call your family and loverboy and tell them you’re peachy keen.

Candy: What if I don’t wanna?

Deb beats the crap out of her own associate, just to demonstrate.

*Casa Lopez, breakfast table. Mood: upbeat. Only about 50 decibels.*

Pepe: Gotta go take my exam. ¡Que el mate no me mate!

Ana: I’m going back to school, too, but for some reason I can’t start again until next term. But the album is actually selling!

Chela: Yes, I hassle everyone about it when they just want to buy a new lipstick.

Candy, via phone: SOB! I’m fine! SOB! Absolutely great! SOB! Gotta go!

Everyone: ¡Hay gato encerrado!

*Avon. Mood: usual exec meeting mind vacation.*

Everyone: Qué the heck was Inez thinking?!

Lidia: She did try it once before. Also, I have discovered Avon’s line of swimwear!

Enzo: Someone better tell Pancho.

Everyone but Enzo: Not it!

Vins, into phone: Pina? You’re at the airport?! Sending the magic carpet ahora mismo!


Moni: My mom wants me to go visit her. Ugh.

Pepe: Well, she is your mother. I can’t bring myself to check my test score on this publically posted list.

Moni: Lemme look. Ohhh… I’m so sorry… You passed!

Pepe: Wheeee! Steal the list for my scrapbook!

*Casa Lopez.*

Fernanda: The tests are in. It was potassium chloride. Octavio saved my life! I gotta go to the station.

Pancho: I’ll go with you!

Fernanda: You’d better go to work. Belle Face shares will be bargain basement on this news!

*Pancho’s office.*

Mendoza: Here’s a drawing of the woman from the security video.

Pancho: GASP! Cristián’s wife?! {They hadn’t considered that possibility?}

*Jail. Mood: hostile.*

Tomás, to sad cellmate: You’re still awaiting trial because you can’t afford freaking photocopies?!

Lead thug: I want money, lots and lots of money! Also, I have seen too many gang movies.

Tom: No.

Thug: Let’s discuss our incentive program. Here, have a toothbrush shiv to the gut.

Nice cellmate: Noooo! Help!

*Pancho’s office.*

Pancho, on phone: Lupita! It was Carla! Get over here and bring Pepe!

Enzo: Ya wanna get to the meeting any year now? Look! Belle Face’s shares have plummeted, but so have Avon’s, because of the merger talks!

Mendoza: Got any more of those yummy sandwiches?

*Casa Lopez. Mood: anxious.*

Ana: How’s the hot romance with my pops?

Chela: Ay, I don’t know. I have this niggling feeling an outside observer would find it weird, pathetic, and downright unromantic, if not a little creepy and totally ill-advised. But how about a happier topic? I’m worried about Candy. What if Napoleón has her?

Ana: Egad!

*Dank cave with magical hairstyle-preserving powers*

Deb: Here, get yourself all purdy in this fancy dress. Napo’s on his way!

*Avon conference room.*

Pancho: “(/$UJLDLF )((#//”!”&=$??”OWOEIUBR OIU¨W$/)(/”==)”(#up”#=)(“=nv iouippiuu!!!!!!!

Rebe: Calm down and shut up.

Pancho: shriekety shriek shriek blah blah blah y la manga del muerto. Also, I’m holding a press conference.

Vins: I do not approve.

Lamberto, on phone: Arnoldo! Hie thee to the conference room! We need a calm, mature adult!

Arnoldo: You called?

Pancho: Gimme a press conference! Now!

*Pancho’s office.*

Pepe, Moni, and Lupita: What’s happening? We know whodunit? Can we get Tomás out of the slammer now?

Mendoza: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s the rush, kids? There are sandwiches to be eaten at leisure.

Mendoza, on phone: What? Where is he?

Mendoza, to others, dead calm: Well, Tommy’s been seriously wounded. He’s in sick bay.

Lupita: ¿¡QUÉ!?

*Avon conference room.*

Arnold: It’ll take at least two hours to set up a press conference.

Pancho: ONE hour! Before the stock market closes! And write me up a brilliant press release while you’re making all the arrangements and the rest of us sit here shrieking pointlessly!

Vins: Oh, look, here’s your whole family! Where’s the band and the naco food? It’s a party!

Lupita: Daddy! Tommy’s in bad shape!

*Casa Irabién. Mood: pensive (damn, he was going for thoughtful).

Freddie: Oy. What to do? What to do?

Ding dong.

Ado: Hey, Ana! Guess what! La patrona’s coming home! Whoo-hooo!!!

Freddie: Ana, I know you’re all bummed and all, but the thing is, I have this opportunity…

Vins: Ana, any news about Candy?

*Avon conference room, sans Familia Lopez.*

Somehow everyone fights the urge to chuck Vins down the elevator shaft. He leaves, possibly sensing they may not fight it forever.

Lidia: Let’s have a private snoozle over here in the corner, Enzo. Or better yet, in my suite.

Enzo: Hmmm.

Cheez-It: Pancho is such a brilliant visionary, deciding to have a press conference to calm the shareholders! {Who are all these shareholders? Don’t Fernanda, Pina, and Vins hold most of the shares? Do Enzo and Arnoldo have any?}

Rebe: Oh, you Cheese Whiz! Way to recognize Pancho’s awesomeness!

Not-Better Cheddar: Let’s go to Miami ASAP.


Even Tomás’s shirtlessness isn’t helping this New Luke. He’s unconscious. Lupita flashes back to Alex’s (QEPD) death. Dang, now I miss Alex all over again. Lupita prays and kisses Tom’s hand.

*Absurdly fake-looking cave.*

Deb: There, all fluffed and puffed. Let’s go.

*Teatro Morelos.*

The mafiamobiles park right in front and are joined by Napoleón’s motorcade. He steps out. EW! He’s like three times Candy’s age!

Candy: Whaddaya want?

Nappy: To be your genie in a bottle! I can make you a queen! Make your dreams come true! Fulfil your kinkiest fantasies!

Candy: What I want is for you to leave me alone!


Temo is trying to hawk CDs, but is getting no takers.

Ana: Temo, you are the best!

Temo: I haven’t actually sold any.

Meli cruises by in her royal chariot and Temo hurries to pack up. Slo-mo run and hug. Okay, enough already.

*Casa Irabién.*

Vins: PINA!!!!!!!

Turns out Yuyis and marido de Yuyis did in fact bite it.

Vins: What about Miniyuyis?

Pina: I want to get custody. She’ll live with us.

Vins: Well, with the rest of you.

Pina is sobbing very realistically.

Outside, Temo comforts a teary Meli, who works up what look like real tears.


Tomás wakes up.

Lupita: Cristián’s wife did it! We’ll get you out of here! In the meantime, I will not leave your side, even for a minute!
Guard: Time’s up!

Lupita: Good thing you didn’t die! It would be weird copping a feel with a corpse!

Tomás: Almost like Madonna, you are like a Virgen! {Let’s assume he means in the religiously comforting sense. Though why the obsession with those ladies’ sexual inexperience to the point that it is how they are labeled forevermore, I will never understand.}

*Mafia Mansion. Mood: perturbed.*

Napoleón: I hired the orchestra just for you!

Candy: I hate classical music! Why would I want to be kidnapped for your stupid concert? Take your cheesy sentiments and shove them, Sappy Nappy!

*Casa Lopez*

Ana: Pollis might go to the U.S. I am friqueando!

Pancho, via phone: Tom is hurt!

Chela: Friqueando!

Ana: Friqueando more!

Temo: Meli’s parents died!

Well, that was calming.

*Casa Irabién.*

Vins is so nice to Pina, she’s perplexed and distracted from her grief.

*Pancho’s office.*

Fernanda: Try to stay calm.

Pancho: Have you even met me? I’m going to announce at the press conference that the merger is off.

Fernanda: I’d never tell you what to do or anything, but no. Now the merger suits us more than ever. Announce it’s a done deal; then the stock price will shoot back up. Only if you want to, of course.

*Avon lobby. Mood: cool.*

Lidia: Oh, hello there, Graciela. Did you perchance take note of the snoozly way in which Enzo and I were strolling?

Chela: Dislike.

Enzo: Good day, madam.

Chela: Good day, sir.

*Casa Irabién.*

Arnold: Oh, my! Isn’t this a surprisingly cozy scene?

Vins: This is a family snuggle only. Git out!

Pina: (YAWN) I’m so tired. I’ll call you later (wink, wink).

Pina, mentally: Oh. Em. Gee! Who to choose?!

Vins sweeps Pina into his arms and up the stairs.

Freddie: OMG.

*Camp Napo.*

Napoleón: Here´s one choice. You leave and return with Vins, and maybe he gets our special spa treatments. Your brother might get a little percussive massage as well.

Candy: Oy.

*Avon press conference.*

Pancho: Avon’s better than ever! Blah blah blah merger is still on!

Fernanda: Pancho is the best!

Rebe: Swoon!

*Pancho’s reception desk.*

Chela: Sooooo, Ketita! You probably hear a lot of gossip, huh! Anything on the grapevine about Rinaldi and what’s-er-guts? Not that I care, of course.

Ketita: Oooh la la!

*Lidia’s suite.*

Lidia: Let’s get drunk in the middle of the afternoon when we’re supposed to be dealing with a company crisis.

Enzo: Why are we doing this?

Lidia: Whatever flimsy excuse suits you. Are you picking up what I’m putting down yet? I’m wearing myself out with the hair tossing and leg crossing and suggestive comments and drooling.

Enzo: Oh, what the heck.

*Pancho’s office.*

Fernanda: Pancho is such a great orator!

Me: Are you deaf?

Fern: I have a good P.I. Maybe he can find Candy.

Me: And look how your missing child case is going. Are you sure he’s any good?

Pancho: I still think the medalla is a good clue. We need to find out how my parents got it.

*Casa Popular.*

Ana: The good news is, we know who killed Cris. The bad news is, your brother’s nearly dead. No, you can’t visit. Only one person could see him, so Lupita did.

Elena: Maldita Lupita!

Ana: Sure, blame her! This is all your fault! Also, it seems to me the wife was trying to kill BOTH of you! Think about that!

Elena: What is this word “think”?

Ana: Let me get you started: If you hadn’t been such a money-grubbing sleazebucket, those poor children wouldn’t be losing both their parents and your brother wouldn’t be dying!

*Mobster Mansion.*

Candy: Fine. For some reason I value Vins’s life, so I’ll tell him I’m in love with you and we’re getting married.

Crappy Nappy: BraVA. Ya gotta be convincing.

Candy: Oh, let me just tell you exactly HOW MUCH I love you.

Napo: Candy, mi amor!

*Casa Lopez.*

Pepe: Here, Lupita, take the magic medal and give it to Tomás.

Lupita: I prayed for him not to die like Alex.

Pepe: Woo-woo! Is that amor I hear?

Lupita: As if. I will never love again! I will wander the moors alone forever!

Pepe and Moni: Good grief. Not literally.

*Sidewalk in front of Cris’s home.*

Wifey Carla: Blasted dude left me alone with kids to care for!

She flashes back to going into the hotel room and seeing him dead on the floor. Carla snaps back as police cars surround her. She’s not excited about the field trip they want to take her on. She rants that this is a mistake.


Lamberto: The paperwork is ready to be signed for the merger.

Pancho: No time. Gotta jet. Tomorrow.

Lamberto: It will probably be a disaster anyway.

*Avon elevator.*

Pancho and Chela: Are you jealous of how lovey-dovey we are?

Cheese Nips and Rebe: No, no, WE are SO HAPPY TOGETHER.

Pancho. Ha. Rebe looks miserable.

IckyMicky: SO HAPPY. We are going to live together in sexy, sexy Miami.

Pancho and Chela: Sounds dreamy. Too bad you won’t be as deliriously united as we will be.

Cheeto: I will ravish Rebe right here in the elevator if I can manage it, just to be obnoxious.

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